Reflections

Asherman's

She was like clockwork

Every 28 days

First I would feel it in the shower

As the beams of water hit my chest

Then it would become obvious in the abdomen

And like clockwork she would appear full force

Heavy 3 days

Medium for 2

Light for 1

The only predictability now is that doesn't come

I still get the sore boobs, the dreadful cramps, the occasional blemish

But that's where it ends and begins again every 28 days

I've been told to adapt to what seems like menopause for a 33 year old

I have a closet full of pads

That will forever go unused

You're lucky, some tell me

No

I'm not

I can't successfully carry a baby to term

I can't slouch in a comfortable chair and caress my big belly in awe

Or be pampered at a shower while opening countless pastel blankets

Or be fawned over by smiling strangers, some who touch your belly

without even asking simply because they can't control themselves

Or have that "glow" people mention

Or see that heartbeat on the TV

Or feel the kicks and hiccups

How I would kill to have those food aversions, heartburn, back pain,

swollen ankles, 22 hours of labor!

I have not only been cheated out of all those beauties, and the added

beauty of holding my newborn baby for the first time

I have been cheated of my womanhood

I walk around feeling damaged, less beautiful, different

Like my body is not normal

Like I'm not normal

It just feels like a loss of womanhood

And like any loss I go through grieving

From shock, to depression, to anger, to uncontrollable bouts of crying

And while my wishes range from please no more surgeries after this

one to no more months of hormones to no more HSGs, to no more

inconvenient trips to the doctor, to no more out of pocket expenses,

to no more explanations of what exactly asherman's is and how I got

it and what I'm doing about it, to no more disappointing news after

all these years,

Sometimes, all I want to feel right again

to feel like a woman again

is to just get my period.

- by Tara Reifenheiser

My hopes and dreams perished,
Like a solitary blade of grass in the desert.
Total destruction of my mind, of my body,
Depression courses through my veins.

A simple operation has ruined what was mine.
It has changed my life, not for the better.
But for the worse, I am angry, I am sad,
I wish for an explanation,
that I will never get.

I am a survivor, I am still alive,
I may be broken,
but I cannot be tossed aside,
Like a broken toy.

- by Belinda C Timmins

ASHERMAN'S COURAGE

When you think of courage,
Most people think of running into a burning building
To save somebody's life
Or fighting in your country's war
To preserve your rights and freedoms.

But courage to me has a new arena,
A new meaning.

Courage is ttc another time after months or years of trying.
Courage is confronting a Dr. who has caused you so much pain.
Courage is going for another round of IVF when the last three times have failed.
Courage is telling your spouse the test is negative…again.
Courage is enduring another Mother's Day with no child in your arms.
Courage is attending your friend's baby shower.
Courage is enduring the physical pain every month.
Courage is coming along side other Asherman sufferers and holding their hands.
Courage is educating the public on Asherman's Syndrome.
Courage is fighting your insurance company for your rights.
Courage is visiting your sister's new baby in the hospital.
Courage is trying to get pregnant again after several miscarriages or stillbirths.
Courage is seeing old friends and answering the question, "So how many kids do you have now?"
Courage is telling your child why they can't be a big brother or big sister.
Courage is listening to your friend recount their "perfect" birth experience.
Courage is feeling your loss deeply and not becoming bitter.
Courage is acknowledging your grief but not being overcome by it.
Courage is living your life fully even when you feel like something is missing.
Courage is embracing life in the midst of your pain.

Although we may never know the answers to all of our "Whys?" we can be assured that our courage is molding and strengthening our character. Excercising your courage is making you a better person.

- by Amy Helmuth

I am wearing a pair of shoes

They are ugly shoes

uncomfortable shoes

I hate my shoes

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I

do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them

I get funny looks wearing these shoes

They are looks of sympathy

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad

they are my shoes and not theirs

They never talk about my shoes

To learn how awful my shoes are

might make them uncomfortable

To truly understand these shoes

you must walk in them

But once you put them on, you can never take them off

I realize that I am not the only one

who wears these shoes

There are many pairs in the world

Some woman are like me and ache

daily as they walk in them

Some have learned how to walk in them

so that they don't hurt quite so much

Some have worn the shoes so long

that days will go before they think

about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman

These shoes have given me strength

to face anything

They have made me who I am

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

- Author Unknown

DREAM

Set me free, you wish and plead
But the moment of hope, puts you back in greed
You see a little crack, looks like a glimpse of light
You focus, you persevere, and you make sure it is not out of sight
You follow the path with all your vigor and might
You keep pushing the envelope; you are in for a trap
You follow your gut, you follow your instinct
That is all you need for a little help.

The more close you get, it seems the light has gone
Move on, carry on, and don't let this defeat put you down
You keep moving from one faint light to another
Every time it vanishes, you feel it is hard to put together
Is this time right to surrender, you wonder!
Thanking that it was good but now it is over
You need courage to be tough
But you need all the strength in the world to say enough is enough.

They say, always have a dream, whether big or low
Reality hits hard when your dreams don't grow
Some dream teaches you a lesson
Some teaches your worth, yet other teaches pain
How do you say good bye to your dream
With failure, resentment or despair
Or with the feeling of success and a kind of experience that is rare
Or cherish the teachings of a dream that you cared

If you had a broken dream one or two
You understand that I am not new
I don't know how but I'll figure out a way
Show me a new path, a new way
That I ask God, every day I pray

- by Shyamly

I Will Be A Wonderful Mother

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown

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